before I met You my heart was an open door
i allowed anyone to peek in and intrude within me
little did i know that i should be protecting my core
this door that i left unguarded really needed no key

many years, countless people have entered and exit
it has come to a point where my ledge is rusting
some fixing up would only seem fit
oh, you have no idea how much it needs dusting.

dust depicts the superficial sycophancy
rust reflects the internal 'idiocity'
creaking comprises of vicious vulgarities
stench signifies my rotting revulsion

turbulence TuRBuLEnCe TURBULENCE!!
HELP HELP HELP !!!!
Oh how my spirit cries for salvaging
from my filthy little world!

incoherence iNcOHeREnCE INCOHERENCE!!
ARGH ARGH ARGH !!!!
my soul then didn't tally with anything
that i told anyone i would be!

i sought relief in all the place which seems right
i sought some sense of redemption
i thought i had found the solution to my plight
i thought i was an individual in exemption

the door remained tarnished
probably infested with termites
seems like what i found was just to furnish
but it never really did worked out right

thank God i met Noeldickson Ongah
a young man who wasn't very sane
but he was indeed special by far
God used him to save me, in pain

introduced to a place full of Light
i finally found a home!
no longer a door with no room on either side
alas! i begin to feel whole.

always in those days i heard about You
even in the places i went before
but now right here i know i was a fool!
my revelation of You is in this hall

heart of mine receives some grooming
of which my dust is but no more
God I offer You must thanksgiving;
church is the place where I belong

heart of mine receives some polishing
of which my rust is now all gone
God I adore You, so forgiving;
church is the place where I belong

heart of mine receives some oiling
of which my creaks turn into songs
God I yearn for Your anointing;
church is the place where I belong

heart of mine receives some varnishing
of which i am protected for long
God I submit my all for Your blessing;
church is the place where I belong

more importantly, my dearest Friend,
unto my heart that You have sent
a brilliant brand new door knob
and it comes with a sophisticated lock!

God, You know i will occasionally fall
like a pot you break and tear me apart
so that You can build me high and tall
and You can impart to me Your heart

I am going to count the costs
to walk with You with my hands clean
all i've gained, i count it lost
all I am is Your glory as You intervene

use me oh Lord like a door
as a medium between You and the lost
mould me and refine my core
so that I can live my life for this cause

Thank You Lord, for being so true
for the good and bad that You bestowed on me
now I submit and surrender wholly to You
to You i say, "God, take the key."



Amen.



loving God,
-dexter

Pst Joakim is SOOOOO FRIENDLY !!
and he's so powerful!!
Pst Joakim meets like new people everyday
and he sees thousands of youths day in, day out
but from the very start until now,
he hasn't forgotten my name!
and he hasn't failed to shake my hands all the time

Pst Joakim even invited me to add him on Facebook! cool or what??

Pst Joakim really clicks with hoGc man.
the sermon really applied to me.

i always wondered - am i like Esau who lost my destiny for the moment of satisfaction?
my question is answered today.
yes i did went astray into the broad road.
at the same time, i can still take a few steps.. no, a few thousand steps back.
start all over again.

this time, on the narrow road.
it's gna be a road much more difficult to walk.
but at least it leads me to what God has planned for me.
i'm still holding on tight to my dreams and vision.
i still want my Taylor 314CE.

ok ok.

---

yknw, i hate the feeling of being so close yet so far.
so near to, yet so distant it feels.
that's why i always try to run away from.
so i can mask that disgusting feeling.
it's gripping my heart too tightly.
i'd rather be afar than to see and know that i'm out of reach.

it's all for the better of the future.
i apologize, despite pathetic.

---

oh God, i trust in You.
and place my anxieties in You
so that You'll lift me up in due time.
this whole thing is in Your hands.

---

ha ha.
i'm feeling much better from last week now, guys.
i love you all.
you guys are so supportive (:
love you all in hoGc !!!



taking my steps back,
-dexter

hello everybody.
today's post is seriously random and does not contain any underlying suggestive nonsense.
it's direct!


i'm having a strong urge of Gear Acquisition Syndrome.
i know that in future im gna be a musician for God.
i'm like 98% sure tht God wants me to wield the acoustic guitar.
(surprisingly, not really the drums. but i'd love to play drums too!)
not only wield the acoustic guitar, but to worship lead too.
i wanna do worship lead, play guitar and the drums too.

maybe my life is 'a little' too messy now for that.

let's just say i wanna gear up for the future.
thus, GAS.

i went to sinamex electronics the other day. like 2 weeks back?
all the taylor acoustics were staring at me
they were yearning at me "please try me ! please buy me!"
so i went to look around and admired the detailed finish and precise cuttings.
every taylor guitar sounded awesome.

Liz was right.
"Once you play a Taylor Acoustic Guitar, you'll dislike the sound of any other guitars."

My eye was caught by this Grand Auditorium Shaped w/ Cutaway Acoustic Guitar.
it's the Taylor 314CE
John Frucjkflsu903jkfd - however you spell his name - he uses it. (he's from RHCP, btw)
i tried it,
fell in love with it
and i knew i was suffering from a disease.
a healthy disease (oxymoron alert!)
it was definitely gear acquisition syndrome.

but, it's gna be tough man.
it's S$ 2,400 +/-
woo hoo.
that's nearly as expensive as my school fees for a year.
that's about 900 plates of chicken rice
that's 4800 cups of milo in school
that's 24,000 public phone calls
that's 48,000 SMSes.
that's S$500 more expensive that the pearl drumset i had some time back
that's probably like 10 to 12 months of army pay
that's how much an average worker earns in a month.
that's definitely not a product recommended for students.

initially, i was planning to save up 80% of my army pay for the first 10 mths of army to buy it.
then i realised, by then, it'd be Building Fund 2008 !!
haha, building the church is definitely more important than buying a Taylor Guitar to satisfy my GAS. so, i'm definitely gna channel my money for BF'08.

looks like my chances of getting that Taylor 314CE is pretty low.
I know God has a way if He wants me to use the Taylor 314CE.
Somehow.

maybe i shld stick with Maestro CJ1. which is much cheaper at S$799.







i really want that Taylor 314CE, though. ha ha.






above that.
i really want to get my life back on track with God
and with the rest of heart of God church
and rise up again




1 Peter 5:6-7 (NIV)



He has His timing for me.
I just got to trust Him as He reconstructs me to be a better man of God.




learning to be hungrier,
-dexter

Labels: 314ce, acoustic, acquisition, cj1, gas, gear, guitar, maestro, syndrome, taylor

hello everyone!


i just had a SOLID QUIET TIME JUST NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW



WEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



excited about God's movement in my life.
WOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!





changed overnight,
-dexter

in the name of Jesus,
i command these thoughts to go away.
dont let me ruin me anymore.


gaining control of my mind. now.


im glad in the best church in the whole wide world
just when everything inside of me crumbles,
there are awesome awesome people in my life that bring me up again.

thanks daniel, for talking to me last night.
you really understood my thoughts and what i am going through.
im glad i had an opportunity to talk to you.
it really cleared my head
and made me understand where i am standing even clearer.
WAY CLEARER already.
thanks for sharing too.

thanks charleston and lynette for always backing me up and assuring me of myself.
for believing in me.
for trusting me over and over again.
giving me chances over and over again.
no where else can i find such patient leaders and such awesome heart warming people.
only in heart of God church.
oh yes, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLESTON!

thanks ivan, for always subtly backing me up like a brother.
though you dont say it, you knw whenever i am down.
your handshakes and hi-5s are magic, i'd say.

thanks noel, ernest, esmonde, jamie, huimin, d3 and everybody else
who showered me with love and concern
because they knew
they knew when their brother was weak.
they carried me along.

thanks everyone for bearing with me
im so afraid of myself sometimes
that i really need ppl like you, you and you
all of you!
to hold me tight and say
"dex, it's all right, we're here for you."

thanks guys.
without you all, it would have been 10,000 times harder.


thank You, Lord,
for giving me the opportunity to wake up
correct my wrongs now
than to let it linger on and destroy myself.
thank You Jesus,
for working in my life,
despite the many times i shun my ways.
God, help me to open up all the doors and windows
to allow Your Spirit to correct me when im wrong
give me wisdom
and whatever i lack that You desire me to have.


thank You for everything.





holding on tight,
-dexter

hi,

pls dont be afraid or shocked by my blog posts.
every interesting blog shld have some 'emo' posts.
some posts where there is a burden of emotions. negative emtions.
it's a web log.
ure suppose to log whatever events that are occuring.
this web log is a public display of my life.
especially my thoughts.
probably as transparent as it can get. i think??


"dexter, you're not accountable."
i agree. even this blog has secrets to hide.


im just troubled recently.
if you knw me well enough, you'll knw i'll eventually get over it.
just let me be a crybaby for a while more.


seriously, typing out all these entries is just a medium of releasing my thoughts and emotions. i have to do it somewhere.
lets just say i dont like punching my walls, screaming into my pillows or cutting myself.
i write to relieve.
type, actually.
i kinda have enough of writing this prelim.
HEY, it's safer than injuring myself!!!


for those who bothered to give me some sympathy, pity and concern, thanks.
even though i dont deserve them, you guys still bothered.
i know i seem cold and unresponsive.
that's not because im trying to be emo or show that im not feeling too good.
it's just that..
i'm not supposed to mix around and fellowship with you guys.
the easiest way to shun you guys away is to behave coldly.
really love you all and appreciate you all. serious.
but if you really want to be safe, just stay away from me.
dont let me become a burden in your Christian walk now.
im not ready to be your friend yet.


but i have to say, i was really feel awkward in church tday.
i dnt knw why.
no, it has nothing to do with church or neither has it got anything to do with the guest speaker.
(Pst Ares was really really awesome. and he's funny too. and he's VERY spiritual.)
it's just that i feel different. and i see things differently now.
i come to church and i feel like a scum.
like i have to apologize to everyone i see.
as though i've totally let them down.

i look at charleston, ivan, lynette, ernest, noel, melvinmaniam, cash, colin, peck, esmonde, yong hui, eeloo, darren, frank, jamie, felicia, huimin, zhixiang, sooyee, denise, joyce, amelia, yvonnechar, seanethan, nicholas lee, jeremy chan, angweijie, honghwee, wendy, danielgoh, elgin, waiching, dawei, clarence, nicholas sim, calvin, cassandra, cherie, peijun, valerie cheong, ranford, vanessa chan, darryl seah, ming rong, krisfu, kongtat, christine, ee shen, jiangjun, brian, aaronlee, and everyone else i caught sight of but did not mention here; i feel like ive disappointed them and i felt the need to apologize to all of them.

it's not that bad, but it feels like it is.
i need to run away from those that i love so as not to hurt them.
now that's awfully strange. cuz i usually run to those i enjoy being with.
that's why it's awkward.


at first, i needed to run away from one person i really love.
now, i have to run away from nearly everyone.
guess what, i have only dexter tan guansheng to blame.
yes, dex, it's all your fault.


"dexter, why is it that whoever comes in contact with you becomes unholy and soulish?"
i dont know. really.
but to be safe, i think it's only appropriate that everyone stay away from me.


"stop creating trouble for me to clear."
im so sorry.. i really dont want to.
but i guess if i REALLY didnt want to, i wouldn't have even taken a risk.
maybe somewhere inside me, im a rebellious fool.
yup, if you're rebellious against your mentors, ure a big fool.

---

i have to say, worship session with D3 was awesome.
esmonde knew that i wasnt feel very good and asked
"are you sure you can play? do you need someone else to take over?"
i insisted i played for the worship session because besides serving my fellow d3, i needed to do something i really miss. i really miss playing music for God to lead others closer to Him.

it's probably the only thing i do that ACTUALLY brought someone closer to God.

besides that, every other thing i do draws ppl away from God. well, pretty much anyway.

---

the worship session really spurred me on and cheered me up.
God never fails to refresh me.
God will never leave me, especially in my darkest hour.
i will confide in Him.

i need to draw nearer to God.
i need to have my daily bread.
i need to drink for which afterso i wouldn't thirst.
i need to come back to my first Love.

---

hmm yup.



Peter betrayed Jesus and he was discouraged. He wanted to leave ministry, he left the other disciples and became unfruitful. But when he had an encounter with Jesus, he plunged right back into his purpose and destiny.


needing more encounters,
-dexter

like a bad fruit, im being pruned.
worse still, i think i am slowly pruning myself away from my destiny in God without knowing it.

scary.

i really dont wanna become like condemned instruments in the corner of a symphony band's store room. always there but no longer used. i remember those rusty trumpets. i remember those tubas with broken valves. who could forget the smoke-emitting rain stick. the badly colored trumpet and greenish french horns. i even remember smashing one of them against another. how silly.

God, dont leave me aside like You did to King Saul.
dont let Your presence ever leave me
i wont be able to function without Your presence
dont hinder Your anointing on me, despite my sins
dont let me fall away like many others did
i want to stay right here with You

---

it does stink when your best friend asks you out and you can only say "cannot la.. i cannot. sorry." Not because you're busy or because you're focusing on something else.



it's simply just... cannot.



bah, my mind is filled with a hundred million "if onlys".
now i know how regret feels like.

regret isn't just "i made a mistake."
it's "i dug my own grave."

regret isn't just "oops, haha, sorry."
it's "i'm digging yours too."

regret isn't just "aiyah forget it."
it's "stop haunting me already."

regret isn't just "i love you and goodbye."
it's "i wanna tell you more but all i can say is good bye."

regret isn't just "oops."
it's "..."

regret isn't just "a mistake in the past that has an emotional effect now."
it's "selfish act that you wished you'd never lived, so you would not do it."

no.
i'm wrong.
regret is more than that.
i cant explain it.
my words are too limited.
just like my inner capacity.
limited.



sorry is a dumb 5-letter word that does nothing but show that you're courteous and that you've got some extent of proper upbringing.
apologetic is a descriptive and sophisticated word for self-pity.
emo is what im feeling
teenage is what causes emo
haha is something i would love to say genuinely soon.

---

i realise i get all literature-ish when im feeling like this.
maybe someone is going to do a critical analysis on my blog one day.
maybe it'll be an examination question for A levels 20 years down the road.
i knw one day im gna read this post again and laugh
just like those posts in 2004, 2005 and 2006 sometimes.
hilariously naive.


i think i have a dangerous capacity for emotional turmoil.
i rarely feel so agitated and frustrated with myself.
hmmm.. puberty? teenage problems? silly youth mentality?
immature negative emotions? large irritating ulcers?
dysfunctional enzymes?
oh, dexter from the future, this post was written when you were 18.


no, wait.


i knw what this feeling is.
attention-hungry and selfish.


yeah. if i were a character in a novel, i'd analyse my actions and conclude it to be attention-seeking and selfish in nature. but everyone desires a certain amount of attention. just that i need it too much. everyone has a selfish side of themselves. just that i'm too oblivious to how deeply it's planted in me. nono, not oblivious. that word is too kind. ah. i remember the word - "gullible".

"dont be so gullible, dexter!"
it's still ringing in my head.
i'm really trying not to be gullible.
I REALLY GOT A LOT TO CHANGE.


haha, do you remember how EXTREMELY AGITATED AND UNCOMFORTABLE you would feel when someone says "hahaha, you're just seeking attention!!!" that you'd feeling like eating that person's insides raw?
i remember how that feels. because it is a symptom of denial for what is true.

oh i really enjoy Tim Burton's works. Edward Scissorhands was awesome.

---

just another thought. random one. seriously.
roy has been in church for like 3 or 4 years? yeah.
and today he is one of the key leaders in church,
zone supervisor and an anointed worship leader.
he plays the guitar while he leads worship! i have a thing for worship leaders who do that. they just attract my attention (not in any gay way, pls). like joe pringle, sidney mohede... BROTHER POH!!! daniel too! roy is one of them.

if i was a better boy, with a better personality, a better heart to serve, a character with the right values, with a hungrier Spirit, a larger desire for capacity and a FAITHFUL CHILD OF GOD WITH SOME MISERABLE BIT OF SELF CONTROL AND PATIENCE, i might be walking the same path as him today. i might be on the road to where is he now.

i remember Pst Lia once prayed for me "Pillar. You shall be a pillar."
Pastors had placed in me some awesome hopes and they see something in me that could be used mightly for Jesus.

as of now, i'm currently a very very big disappointment. for now.
Pastors believed in me. it feels like i've dashed their faith in me.
it feels as if i'm betraying my Pastors.
it feels as if i'm deliberately playing a fool with their hope.
dont get me wrong, i really dont like to disappoint and hurt my Pastors and leaders
im just not good enough. at least that is my viewpoint of myself.

"I've never seen God move through a discouraged person." - Pst Lia



yeah, if i really want God to move in my life i need to climb out of my valley. i need to climb out of the pit i dug for myself. i need to stop hiding in the darkness.













i need some time
and less of myself.
i need to do the right thing.

no.
i need to learn to choose the right choice.
gotta stop being blind.
no regrets. i chose to walk with God, i plan to stay on track.
i'm a little off-track, but who cares. im coming back, Jesus.

don't leave without me.
i have no other life but the one with You.
i really need to get up and move on.
i need to stop being an immature teen
i need to grow up
stop being gullible
cut the selfishness
quit being a jinx
put an end to dragging people down
stop running away
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP BEING DISCOURAGED. grr.




i love You Jesus.
dont plan to turn my way from You.







struggling but still fighting,
-dexter

hi,

as human i cannot live to expectations;
estranged from the rest is a deed
to shield my loves from soulish destruction
contain my curse - dwell in my keep

upon learning the flaws i carry
i allowed myself to abandon guard
thus the flesh and emotion marry
which didn't exactly sew my heart

enraged and engulfed in confusion
the logical mind sets body thinking
there is a need for hysterical repulsion
the rotten soul continues reeking.

my head upon the glass that's moist
from everyone else who's tiredly troubled
in my sleep the words i hoist
began piecing up like sorry mould.

try to clear my thoughts empty
obviously failed to calm the inside
looks like tonight my heart is heavy
like a needle that abolishes sight.

behind this same screen i type
my fingers heavy and angry
the more i input straight from my pipe
that bleeds my output of words so bloody.

i click and i head to bed
pondering upon my actions
guilt began pounding the head
dividing me into various sections

"no, no, no." says the spirit
"Jesus wouldn't have been like this,
go, go, go. do the right thing."
now it feels like an organ is amiss.

just when i thought it was catharsis
understanding later the sick irony
yet again my silly actions and analysis
caused dysfunction within melancholy

from the start until now i have not decided
on giving up on You nor Your church
it's still the same and reiterated
my living corpse will be on the search

to seek first His kingdom and righteousness
to cleanse myself again in His purity
to finally see the light in consciousness
oh how my rotten nature's so dirty

i feel disgusting, oh so filthy
i wish i could wash myself in a machine
God, won't You crucify me
so that this body is again cleaned

that night my heart was heavy
you can be so sure it was bleak and dry
i pick up the Book i knew every ready
and here, i discover none that lie:

Isaiah Chapter Fourty, Verses Thirty to Thirty One
it has renewed me as darkness upon rays
the passage called me to come undone
here my heart and His Spirit unites as they say:

"Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."



-dexter

hi guys.

sorry, over-reacted.
sore thumb effect.
quite silly and foolish.
yet again unwise.




-dexter

you never learn your lesson
you hurt the ones you love again and again
you suck the energy from ppl around you
you pull everyone down with you
you thought you were getting out of your valley?
WRONG, IDIOT, YOURE JUST GOING DEEPER.

get your life right la
stop wasting ppl's time
cant you just love God more
cant you even do something right
STOP BEING SO SELFISH, JINX.
JUST STOP IT.

YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON YOURSELF
THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN BLAME IS YOU YOU YOU AND YOU
NO ONE ELSE
you know what word best describes you?
cursed.
yes, you're a cursed being harming everyone
you say you love them,
do you, really?
if you do, would you be so unwise and selfish and a burden in their lives

to be more precise
you're a curse to ppl around you and YOURSELF

God must be COMPLETELY disappointed
those whom you love are utterly digusted
because you lack the discipline
you lack self control
you lack everything good la

JUST STOP IT, WHY CANT YOU JUST STOP IT
WHY MUST YOU KEEP DIGGING YOUR OWN PIT TO FALL INTO
WHY MUST YOU BE A SUCH A BURDEN
WHY MUST YOU UNPIECE YOUR DESTINY IN GOD LIKE THAT
WHY IS IT YOU ARE NOT WISE ENOUGH TO REALISE
WHAT IS WRONG AND WHAT IS RIGHT







it's just about doing the right thing
and so far,
you've done NONE.


congratulations, in fact, you've done EVERYTHING POSSIBLY WRONG.
wrong wrong wrong.
so what if ppl see you as a cheerful, lively, funny and upright person
SO WHAT?!?!?!!?

SO?!?!?!



BIG DEAL
DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU ARE JUST A PIECE OF DEMENTED AND ROTTEN SOUL.





God blessed you with the awesome people around you
and what do you do?
you become a curse to His people.


eh, excuse me, youre dealing with God's people.
your Pastor's people
your leaders' people
and you dishonour those you respect because you have a ROTTEN CHARACTER.







YOU ARE ROTTEN.








this blog entry itself shows what kind of person you are.
you have no self control and you lack the ability to control your emotions.
you are SELFISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
YOU ARE SELFISH, YOU HEAR ???
SELFISH.
you want to gain pity from ppl around you and hope for ppl to come comfort you.

yknw what, they might or they may not.
BUT YOU DONT DESERVE A SINGLE DROP OF PITY.


stop being hysterical, hypocritical, schizophrenic and oversensitive.
youre behaving like a girl with horrible attitude problem
youre not.
you're a guy with a worse attitude and character problem than anyone else.



that is what you are.







pick yourself up.
love God more.
stop creating trouble for everyone
stop hurting and killing those around you





why dont you just DO THE RIGHT THING?!?!?!?!?!?!!?






















i'm sorry..
dont take this post too seriously.
i learn it in school.
this is called "catharsis".
nah, more like self-pity.
one day im going to regret posting this entry.

you'll be seeing less of me.
let me try to kill myself
not literally of course.






-dexter

i havent updated in like a month.
hello again, pootpoots!

mampat gilaaaaa.

oh the pic above? thats my class during teachers' day celebration. go figure which one is me.
haha.
well.
ive been trying to study as much as i can.
im proud to say im pretty confident in econs.
i just need to keep doing math.
and read more lit.
and revise geog.
I IMPROVE ON MY INCOHERENT AND LONG-WINDED ESSAY SKILLS ):

it's sept hols.
im gna study alot alot.
and also exercise too.
im tired of A levels really.
well, just a few more months before i get like AAAB and an A for GP.


i really miss playing on worship team.
i am really worried for myself at times.
i feel so envious of those who have been through so much and now stands tall to tell their story and help the others out.
i wanna be like them
but i really have to sort things out.






i love you
i love you guys too!
happy day!


remember kids, always scrape your tongue clean!!


love,
-dexter