hello.









i wish i could say everything i want to say here.
but i cannot.
i wanna be a better person, but i don't know why, i end up becoming worse and worse.









oh God.. help.


-dexter

hi,

recently, i've been thinking again.
yes, thinking thoughts that may kill myself.
evil thoughts.
bad bad thoughts.
tsk tsk tsk.

for everyone who has been through this phase of life where you start pondering about your life and what you are doing now, you know that it will never lead to a positive conclusion.

i've been thinking about it.
about what i am doing in my life now,
about what i am capable of,
about what i could be doing.


i'm very dissatisfied with my life. very very dissatisfied.
(but it's better than being satisfied, right?)


Pst How said that if you desire to serve more, and rise up, just be faithful in what you are doing and don't bother deliberately showing off what good you are. If you have the substance, you will naturally float.


it is obvious i am not floating (fast enough anyway).
either i am unfaithful to what i have,
or i completely lack substance,
or i am just way too impatient.


haha, stop choosing. the answer is all three.


i need to be more diligent and faithful to what i am entrusted with. or i will never ever gain back the trust i lost.

i need to grow in my character. in the past, i am stronger emotionally, but everyone has moved on from the past, i should too. ppl are talking about the future. i should stop looking at what i used to have. i need to look at my dirty hands, and cherish whatever is left on it.

i need to be patient. the scary thing is that i am fully aware of my impatience when i feel impatient. gotta be patient dext.







it is not that i cant do it. it is just that i'm scared i mess up again.
being scared = faithless.
faithless = bad !!!












i've lost so much i've gained
i've lost so many opportunities
i've lost way too much time
who do i have to blame?
no time to regret. the past doesnt matter anymore.

there is a temptation to blame people around you, to blame the people you love and to blame those who care about you. i admit, i do feel that way sometimes.

but i alone carry that responsibility and no one else should be blamed.
remember that, dext.




truly the song goes
"even if my world falls i will sing
above all, i live for Your Glory."



even if i lose it all, it doesn't make me 1% less Christian.











but i am not satisfied.
i want more.
i need to behave as if i want more.
i hate my pride.
i wish pride was a tangible person - so that i can personally crucify it.






i wanna grow.
and cut down my messing up.
or the fear to mess up.




i am an impatient boy who wants everything NOW.
and i need to stop that.



just be faithful with what you have, dext.
Luke 16:10



-dexter

hi,


happy new year 08!
the end of 07 was a big blast.
thanks to heart of of God church, Pst How, Pst Lia and the leaders.
special thanks to 3rd Day, my beloved noise-makers for Christ. you guys rock the house down because you gave your best to Him.


The future is gonna be amazing.



-dexter